resolutions revisited

I finished my first rotation, I'm about to start my second, holy-crap-grad-school-is-everything-i-ever-imagined-and-a-million-times-better-and-a-million-times-harder, and it's only day two.

The least I can do is go back to see how I did on those resolutions. (At least the ones that are applicable.)


So here we go:
_Keep a paper notebook, but transcribe everything electronically at the end of each day.

Fail. I did not do this. I kept a paper notebook, but I didn't transcribe anything, and this predictably bit me in the ass about 500 times. New resolution: keep an electronic lab notebook. I am never underestimating the ability to ctrl+F anything ever again. I've been flirting with google sites right now, trying to figure out the best interface. Basically this also fuels my procrastination but hey, productive procrastination is my middle name.

_Apply for NSF GFRP my first year (and second, if applicable.)
_Apply for travel awards for conferences
_Write the methods as I do the experiment
_Outline the paper I 'want' to write, and do the experiments simultaneously
_Attend the Physiology course (or any other MBL course!) at Woods Hole
_Attend any course, really

N/A

_NO GCHAT 9-5 (ok 10-4)

Fail, but baby steps. It's hard to break habits. Still working on this one, and this is definitely carrying over. New resolution: Still no gchat.

_One (1) blog post a month on a paper I've read. (resurrecting journal club!)

Fail, and this one is getting dropped. Between class, studying for class, reading papers on random things, reading papers in my rotation, something has to give. This would be nice? But I'm not kidding myself. I would like to tend this blog more though. New resolution: One blog post a month, period. 

_Go to as many relevant/semi-relevant seminars as I can and no iphone! notes only!

I tried to do this over the summer, and I sort of did ok. This will be easy this year because two of my classes are seminars. Same resolution: NO IPHONE.

_No shit talking. about anyone or anything. No exceptions.

I'll give myself a C on this. Same resolution: Everything has a positive aspect that we can discuss with our peers! Except maybe over beers. Hey that rhymed!

_Be writing my thesis by the time I'm 30.
_Polite, prompt and short emails from now on. (Following the rule that if it can't be answered/explained in 3 sentences, pick up the damn phone.)

I'm not sure I did this, but this is a good one to keep.

_Work hard in rotations, so at least two labs want me to join.

Duh.

_ASK QUESTIONS IN SEMINARS.

WIN I did this one! and then felt absolutely terrible afterwards. So that was really fun. Same resolution: be a rockstar.


_And for gosh's sake rachael, PLEASE STUDY FOR EXAMS.

Yeah, I need to be doing homework on tetrad analysis. See you later, blog.

**

Hindsight is always 20/20, and I have this problem where I tend to have really lofty goals and then shitty follow through. I was thinking this morning how I really want to be a role model, for like, women in science or something similarly vague. And then I was thinking, jeez, self, you haven't even done anything yet.

New, final resolution: work really really hard, and be awesome. 

That should be easy to quantify.

i don't think anyone warned me about this...

At some point* when I mentioned that I wanted to go to graduate school someone may have casually said to me, "You need to have really thick skin."

*This of course is the joke, because one of the first things everyone said to me when I said, 'I'm thinking about grad school', was 'BETTER TOUGHEN UP.'

So, it's been two or so months of being in grad school, and man, my confidence is through the ROOF. 

Here's what happened first. About a month ago I went to a seminar of this guy that I was really excited about. I really liked his research, he was young-ish, small lab, etc. I asked a question in the seminar, which, go me. and then I went up to him afterwards to introduce myself. I did this, and I said that I would love to talk with him about a possible rotation in his lab. And he says, within five minutes of meeting me, "I'll have to check, but I'm not sure I have room for any graduate students." And then some other faculty came up to talk with him and I jetted out. 

It's funny to think about and admit this now, but I was devastated after that interaction. In no particular order, the thoughts that were going through my head were, "I shouldn't have asked a question, it was a stupid question," "How does he already know that I faked my way into grad school in the first place," "Seriously, I duped everyone to be here!" "Why doesn't he like meeeeeee?"

This is hilarious right? Because like, the answer is, he probably literally did not have room in his lab, and really just had to check to see if he could financially/project-ily handle another grad student in his lab. There's no way he could possibly know that I duped everyone to get into graduate school. Yet. 

I took this so personally for about four hours, because it's hard not to, no matter what people who are really secure of themselves say. I put a lot of thought and effort into my actions. It would almost be loathe if I didn't feel anything. Luckily logic wins out in the end (usually), and I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again. I also am so, so thankful for the scientific community. After moping around lab for a little bit, I quietly, sheepishly told one of the post docs what had happened, and she said that happened to her all the time. She said when she was looking for post doc positions, she would just get these outright rejections and finally one day went to her graduate adviser and said, 'Why do these people already hate me?" (Or some version of that.) And the answer of course, is they don't. It's the funding situation, it's the lab situation, it's a myriad of things, very little that have to do with you. 

Which is inexplicably how I am probably the most confident I have ever been in my life. Something just clunked into place (probably when I was crying alone in the dark) and I've realized that now, 25 years old, starting graduate school. Right now? I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. 

**

The other weird thing that I'm encountering is that I never know how to address these people. I've been following this bizarre rule in my head that after three corrections/emails exchanged with them signing with a first name, I'll switch from "Dr. so and so" to the more casual "Hey you."

Unless if the first time it's very clear I've made them feel wildly uncomfortable while addressing them so formally. In that case thank goodness for recognizing social cues, and I switch right away.