i don't think anyone warned me about this...

At some point* when I mentioned that I wanted to go to graduate school someone may have casually said to me, "You need to have really thick skin."

*This of course is the joke, because one of the first things everyone said to me when I said, 'I'm thinking about grad school', was 'BETTER TOUGHEN UP.'

So, it's been two or so months of being in grad school, and man, my confidence is through the ROOF. 

Here's what happened first. About a month ago I went to a seminar of this guy that I was really excited about. I really liked his research, he was young-ish, small lab, etc. I asked a question in the seminar, which, go me. and then I went up to him afterwards to introduce myself. I did this, and I said that I would love to talk with him about a possible rotation in his lab. And he says, within five minutes of meeting me, "I'll have to check, but I'm not sure I have room for any graduate students." And then some other faculty came up to talk with him and I jetted out. 

It's funny to think about and admit this now, but I was devastated after that interaction. In no particular order, the thoughts that were going through my head were, "I shouldn't have asked a question, it was a stupid question," "How does he already know that I faked my way into grad school in the first place," "Seriously, I duped everyone to be here!" "Why doesn't he like meeeeeee?"

This is hilarious right? Because like, the answer is, he probably literally did not have room in his lab, and really just had to check to see if he could financially/project-ily handle another grad student in his lab. There's no way he could possibly know that I duped everyone to get into graduate school. Yet. 

I took this so personally for about four hours, because it's hard not to, no matter what people who are really secure of themselves say. I put a lot of thought and effort into my actions. It would almost be loathe if I didn't feel anything. Luckily logic wins out in the end (usually), and I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again. I also am so, so thankful for the scientific community. After moping around lab for a little bit, I quietly, sheepishly told one of the post docs what had happened, and she said that happened to her all the time. She said when she was looking for post doc positions, she would just get these outright rejections and finally one day went to her graduate adviser and said, 'Why do these people already hate me?" (Or some version of that.) And the answer of course, is they don't. It's the funding situation, it's the lab situation, it's a myriad of things, very little that have to do with you. 

Which is inexplicably how I am probably the most confident I have ever been in my life. Something just clunked into place (probably when I was crying alone in the dark) and I've realized that now, 25 years old, starting graduate school. Right now? I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. 

**

The other weird thing that I'm encountering is that I never know how to address these people. I've been following this bizarre rule in my head that after three corrections/emails exchanged with them signing with a first name, I'll switch from "Dr. so and so" to the more casual "Hey you."

Unless if the first time it's very clear I've made them feel wildly uncomfortable while addressing them so formally. In that case thank goodness for recognizing social cues, and I switch right away.