grad school jitters

aka FREAK OUT.

I sent this email to my pops yesterday.

i'm starting to get nervous about starting my rotation. 

like, how do rotations work?? do they just give you a project? when am i supposed to start thinking for myself? how much am i supposed to talk with the PI? how much do i have to do on my own? am i going to have a harder time over the summer with L because it will be harder to work on weekends and things? 

POPS am I making the biggest mistake of my life?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

Apparently, I am starting a summer rotation and also having a panic attack. Luckily, I've got my pops.

He sent me back the most rocking awesome of all emails. 

Remember stay calm, there is absolutely no question that you can do this. Don’t forget that. What you’re really asking is whether you’re going to be a “famous” scientist, trust me, you can get a Ph.D. 

This is so on point. Because I think I am worried about not being good enough to be a PI, or writing a nature paper, or some other bullshit like that. But that's not what I'm here for, right now, at 25 years old. I'm here to learn to do good science and get a PhD. And I can do that. I'm good enough for that, right now. I got into the grad school I wanted, they wanted me. This is the right thing.

Pithy answers:
like, how do rotations work??
Random, they work how you want them to.

do they just give you a project?
Yes, typically they give you a grad student or postdoc to shadow

Oh, big help, pops.

when am i supposed to start thinking for myself?
Day 1, but the hardest part is to not be too annoying. I wouldn’t say be demure, but don’t be ashamed to ask questions, and get over whether they are stupid or not.

The word I think he's looking for is "modest". Got it.

how much am i supposed to talk with the PI?
Depends totally on whether you even see them. See how s/he interacts with the other students and use that as a gauge  Don’t be shy, it’s your relation with the PI that will dictate your degree. If you are comfortable I think that trumps everything else.

am i going to have a harder time over the summer with L because it will be harder to work on weekends and things? 

Nope, the best scientist I know, John Carbon was an 9-5 guy. It’s called efficiency. What you will miss are the endless hours of wasting time and schmoozing. You  might have to develop tricks to make yourself the most efficient. [Redacted] in my lab was master of that. She would get her reading done, when most people (today) would be texting and social mediating. Literally, she’d be living on the scope and have a little reading light to read papers while she was babysitting the scope.
Don’t worry about weekends and things- focus on being efficient-
[Redacted] works about 10-4 on average and she’s a great student, it’s really called working well and efficient and not to fall into the grad student trap of being there all the time. That is one of the biggest myths that is still perpetuated. That said, you do need to be thinking all the time and really probing deeply into the problem

Can I just pause for a second and point out that my dad calls it "social mediating"?  Gotta love that guy.

I'm starting my first rotation June 3rd. I won't go too detailed into why I chose to do a summer rotation, suffice it to say, it's getting my feet wet, and I am really excited about starting grad school. I'm really nervous. I've never been a grad student. I've been a technician for 4 years, and while I started out thinking very highly of myself and that this was a great preparation for grad school, I'm not that confident anymore. (A good thing, probably.) I'm nervous about getting to know new people, seeing how a new lab works, learning new techniques. (What if I have suddenly forgotten how to pipet!) I'm nervous, but it's the good kind of nervous. The kind of nervous that means you're really excited, that means you're on the right track. It's like learning to swim for the first time. Or riding a bike without training wheels. You're wobbly at first, you can put your feet down at any time to stop, but you can tell it's going to be a thrilling ride.


Any other PIs or grad students or post docs have good tips or tricks for first rotations? Is anyone else as freaked out as I am? So far I have decided that I am going to be modest, hardworking, inquisitive, and efficient. Oh and not annoying.

Pre-interview prep. And fashion!

My first interview is this coming week. It's a Thursday-Friday-Saturday one, where Thursday is like, dinner or something, Friday are all the interviews and stuff, and Saturday is something else. I don't know the exact details because I haven't received my itinerary yet.

I'm not an overly anxious person in general, but I am starting to get nervous.

I had this crazy dream last night that I received my itinerary, but it was blank. I wasn't interviewing with anyone. Then I realized that it wasn't blank, but all the names had been whited out, so I had to hold it against a window in order to see through the white out. So I do that, and I read the names, and none of them are people that I've requested or prepared for...and they're all MDs.

This is funny because I didn't *think* that I had anything against MDs, but apparently my subconscious dream self is really worried about them?

What am I doing to prep for my interviews you might ask? Here's what I'm doing.

1. Reading papers

My schools all asked me for a list of 10+ people that I'd be interested in talking with. I spent a fairly long time generating these lists, so I had a pretty good idea of the people whose research I was interested in and about a one line description of what they do.

I'm reading one paper (and preparing questions!) for about...five of the ten faculty that I chose. To be honest, this is about all I could manage. Nothing like slogging through a paper to figure out whether you're really interested in a topic or not...

It's sort of a hedging-your-bets kind of scenario. Reading papers takes a fair amount of time. I'm hoping I get the people I've prepared for, but when my final list comes, I'll focus on those people's research, and hopeful I'll have a small headstart with the papers that I've already read.

I had to push myself to read primary papers. For me, reviews are way easier to read and understand, but the more time I spent with them I found out that primary papers are easier (for me!) to find things to ask specific questions about. For one field and a PI that I'm really excited about, I read both. (I hope I get her.)

2. ...not mock interviewing

Other people are doing mock interviews, which is totally a good idea if want to do them. I chose not to...mostly because I've been a tech in a university for the past four years. I can talk about my science and my contributions to my projects at the drop of a hat. I've presented posters at international meetings. I've successfully ridden the elevator with faculty members of my department and not said anything too asinine. I spent a long time making the decision to go to grad school, so I can defend and articulate my motivations. I'm totally just going to wing it.

Clearly most of my preparing is reading papers, thinking up questions and...

3. ...agonizing about what to wear. 

Okay! I know! I hate that this is like almost as troubling to me as the science, but it is, okay? Let's not fight it. Let's deal with it.

Me and my labbies have been in a constant debate that goes something like this.

me: No one in lab/grad school dresses up.

everyone else: It doesn't matter, it's an interview. 

me: But I would feel like a complete moron pipetting in 'slacks' or 'business casual' whatever.

everyone else: It doesn't matter, it's an interview.

me: But that's not how it is in real life!

everyone else: ...

The point is, as much as I want to fight against it, everyone else interviewing is going to be in business casual, and if I'm the only one not, even if labs are casual and I know this, I'm going to be the one that looks bad.

The anxiety part is this: I've been a tech for the past four years and my clothes/personal style ranges pretty much on the 'slightly disheveled' end of casual so...there's that.

One of my favorite quotes ever is "Beware of any endeavor that requires new clothes," and I hear H.D. Thoreau on that because this is definitely an endeavor that requires new clothes and you best beware.

So I did it. I went to the mall and bought myself an outfit. A whole outfit. Everything fits, everything looks good. It's new, so I don't have to iron anything. And let me tell you, having a whole outfit ready to go for Friday has alleviated so much stress.

Because I don't need to be worrying about what I'm wearing. I want to be worrying about getting myself into grad school.

And looking really good doing that can't hurt.